I feel so far from him sometimes....
Its so hard to even meet up nowadays... we don't normally talk on the phone, thats why in the past, we'd meet up quite often...
now, I don't even know whats going on in his life...
he doesnt even know whats going on in mine...
its something like a long-distance-relationship... unrealistic, but where 2 hearts still yearn for each other...
Sometimes, admittedly... I get jealous when he meets other guys and stuff... on an individual basis...
but its hard not to right? Especially when your boyfriend can't even spend time with you... and yet, can spend time with other people...
He isn't free in the evening... and he's always working on Friday and Saturday... Both me and him has church on Sunday...
A relationship is made out of communication and trust... but everything is working against it...
Yesterday, on the way back on the train, I saw two guys... They were maybe sec 3 or 4 from Queenstown Secondary... and, they're definately AJs.
I was sitting at the corner, so I could see and hear them quite clearly...
It reminded me of the time when me and Dominic were always spending our afternoons together...
He was really closeted in the beginning... but I guess, I managed to make him change...
change... alot I guess...
what is a relationship suppose to be like?
is it merely just saying, "I love you to the person everyday"? or "I miss you?" everyday?
I've lost track...
My ex used to want me to meet up with him everyday... wanted me to call him every few hours or so... and would scream if I didnt answer his message within the hour...
This is completely the opposite... We hardly meet at all, we talk for a few minutes on the phone once or twice a day... and the words in his messages can be counted using both hands...
This morning was the ultimate... it was just one word. "Morning."
I just felt really sad... has it deteriorated to such a condition?
most of the time, I'm the one that calls, and most of the time, I'm the one that asks him out..
he always ask me not to be insecure, and not to worry...
its... kind of impossible not to worry in a situation like this...
somehow, the excuse I always give myself for him being like that is that he is a saggitarius, and that they are very free spirited...
but.. something is just not right... coz Samuel and Chris (my exs) were saggitarius also... and... they weren't like that...
It feels so imbalanced...
I sent him a message a few days ago.. that he said made him hurt...
I wrote, "you see, I've to strive to keep the relationship alive.. You've nothing to lose.. and I've everything to lose..."
To me, it seems like he has nothing to lose... because, all along... he has so many people to fall back on...
its like a buffet of choices on the day he breaks up with me...
like, "should I chose him? or him? hmm.. maybe him..."...
For me, I have everything to lose...
because he will be my last AJ relationship... if it ever ends... I've lost contact with alot of my AJ friends... I hardly see any other AJs...
I've argued with friends over him... and I've lost friends as well...
sacrifice?... I wonder... nowadays.. it never seems right...
I feel a dark wave threatening to consume us.. and everything we had...
it hurts... like hell.
Especially when I am powerless to do anything...
When I have already done everything I could...
I love him...
But I'm falling into the trap of becoming slave for him...
I'm not a slave. I'm just a boy.
A heartbroken and sad boy...
I've done so much.... but now, looking back... I guess its kind of selfish to ask...
but.. "how much have you done for me?...."
I wrote this entry in 2 days... and I cried...
still crying now...
I feel like I'm hanging on an edge of a cliff... my hands are tired, and I can't hold on much longer....
From now on... you have to pull me up... or I'll... just let go... and fall to my death...
Like what I said very long ago....
The closing of this chapter will mean the end of this blog.
I love you so much.. I don't want to close this chapter... Will you open a new book with me?...
*cries*
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